Beryl sat silently for a while. He wanted to consider the counselor’s words carefully; to fully understand her ideas. He almost hated the idea of craving his parent’s approval more than having second thoughts about his change in career. Still, there was no reason the source of his troubles had to be complicated. He was, after all, still human.

“It does sound plausible.” Beryl finally spoke. “Yes, the convolution of multiple sources of anxiety seems even likely. Before I came to see you, I had considered that maybe this was all about needing my parents’ approval. I had dismissed that, because our relationship was decent. They never disapproved of my choices, just… made their desires very clear. Still, their desire probably still lingers in my mind. Add that to the events of late…” Beryl nodded, not feeling like he needed to finish the sentence. She understood.

Beryl shifted uncomfortably in his chair. “How do I know if that’s it? And what do I do about it, if it is?”

Luna swallowed, considering the question. She didn’t have a crystal ball or all of the answers, all she could do was hope that the things she did know would be of help.

“Okay, um, first, um, it’ll take some time? To be sure. Um, imagine an equation with two variables. And in this equation because there are two variables, the equation can’t be solved without more information. So it’s impossible to know the answer right now, however much it goes round and round in your head. I think it might come as a result of living your life and gathering experiences related to the salient points, so around working, maybe reflecting on your parents, remembering a certain event from your past you had forgotten, speaking to some other family of you have any, something like that that reveals one of the variables. I know it’s difficult and annoying not to know the answer right now. We… we tend to want to quantify things, to get a simple answer, to get an answer and not to leave questions especially questions about ourselves open and unanswered in our heads. But it’s okay not to know, it’s okay to take time to work it out. You an just acknowledge the question exists and it’s unanswered and that you’re just working on it and be okay with that. Just acknowledging it helps. Th… there are some exercises I can send you on mindfulness that can sometimes help too? One thing is that why questions have a habit of frustrating us. Try not to dwell on why questions of you can, why do I feel this way? The answer is I don’t know and that’s frustrating. Try to make them what questions. What makes me uncomfortable, what makes me think that way, what am I afraid of et cetera.”

Luna took a breath.

“What specifically to do about it we can cover more in a minute but, I’d um, well, um, does that all make sense?”

“Well you got that right, I do like to overanalyze everything until there are no questions left. I’ll be honest, I’m going to struggle with accepting a slow progression. I’m definitely going to have a hard time with accepting the why questions. But,” Beryl said slowly, “I will work on it. Exercises will probably help, thank you.”

Beryl sat a moment, stewing over how he was going to manage his day-to-day without going crazy, before realizing he hadn’t actually answered the counselor’s questions. “It makes sense in theory. I mean, yes, I understand what you’re saying. I accept it, I just don’t like it. I’m a doctor and a scientist, I love figuring out why things happen. I know the human brain, and mental trauma, emotion – all that – is not a computer program with binary bits that can simply be quantified, though, so I’m going to work on what you’re suggesting. I figure the hard part was taking the first step, yeah?”

“Possibly,” she responded. “I’d like to ask you a few things about your work and um, maybe see if we can get you some answers.”

Luna kicked herself a bit inside, she should possibly have started with this direction.

“Leaving your parents wishes aside for a moment, you said earlier something like… ‘I’m not helping anyone by running shifts in the cargo bay’. I’d like you to think about that for a moment. And when you answer, be really honest, try not to be diplomatic or give any weight to what you think I will think of your answer. I won’t judge your opinion, just listen to it. So a what question for you,” Luna said with a slight smile, “what thoughts and or experiences did you have that led you to that conclusion?”

Beryl bit his tongue to stop him from blurting out an answer, as the counselor had anticipated. Why had he devalued that job? Clearly Starfleet found it important. And, Beryl admitted,they had been making relief supplies for various colonies in need during the crisis. Yeah, he wasn’t in surgery, repairing a heart, or on the bridge of a starship, defeating the Borg or whoever… But Beryl forced himself to admit there was clear value in that task.

“I suppose I was comparing it to medical work. As you mentioned, as a doctor, one’s contributions are immediate and obvious. As a deck officer, specifically in the instance I had been referring to, I wasn’t even doing any hands-on work. I was supervising others. My biggest contribution that shift was training a cadet on leadership.” Beryl realized that probably counted as making a difference too. “However. As I sit here and consider it, I realize that task was indeed making a difference to people’s lives. We were mass-replicating relief supplies. Honestly, we couldn’t have been any closer to physically helping others unless we’d been delivering them. That being said… it didn’t feel as good. It felt mundane.”

Luna nodded, but she was a little confused and asked Beryl for clarification.

“Um, earlier you said you left Medicine to pursue a passion, and you also said running cargo bays and replicating relief supplies felt mundane. Does that mean you’ve not found your passion yet?”

“Oh, yeah that’s fair. I think commanding a starship someday… or even just serving on a starship in some capacity beyond being the doctor is my calling. I want to explore, solve mysteries, meet new races… But, nobody gets to the captain’s chair without experience. So for the time being, I’m working my way through command training, and getting some experience. I’ll probably apply for a transfer to a ship sometime in the next year or so, but I don’t want to be incompetent.” Beryl paused, pensively. “I mean, sure, there are some Starfleet doctors – mainly from the various Enterprises – who have documented a lot of famous away missions and accomplishments. But I think that’s more of an exception than a rule. I want – I need – to be more involved than patching up the crew when they come back from some strange new world.”

Luna nodded. So the Cargo bay was a means to an end, for Beryl to get command experience in pursuit of an ambition. It occurred to Luna that maybe these frontier doctors weren’t as far removed from the action as Beryl thought, but there was certainly some merit to what he was saying. A good doctor was often protected from the sharp end of the action, unless the action was a disease or organism of some kind. The question was, did the end justify the means? Luna put this to Beryl.

“So to achieve your passion you need to excel in your current post and move on up? But the work itself right now isn’t as rewarding as doctoring, does that sum it up?” She asked, glad of getting through some sentences finally without ‘um’ing or stammering.

Beryl considered her summation of his issues. They were accurate, though he felt a little shame as he realized he was being a little self-important about his job. “Yes, I suppose that’s correct. I know every job is important, we’re all cogs in the giant machine that is Starfleet… But yeah. It’s not very rewarding at the moment. Maybe I need to actively work on picturing the, uh, big picture.” Beryl winced at his less-than-poetic prose.

“I am confident I’ll get there, some day. At the very least, I’ll get to a starship. I think I can make it to XO, as well. CO, that’s a whole ‘nother beast, you know? But it’s in my sights. Just gotta keep my eye on the prize, and work at it. In the meantime, I will work on taking pride in what I do here. I want to do well for the sake of doing well, not just to move up, but being depressed about it isn’t helping.” Beryl surprised himself there. Was he depressed? He didn’t think so… But maybe. “Where’s the line between depression and just, I dunno, being unsatisfied for the moment, counselor?”

Things seemed to be going well, from Luna’s point of view and therefore, happily her stammer was largely gone as was the pervasive nervousness that caused it. He had used the term ‘depression’, which gave Luna an ‘in’ for some proper shop-talk.

“Well, um,” she started, “Depression is a particular thing, it’s um, maybe a word that’s used a bit too much? Depression is a mood disorder that can affect how you feel, think, and act,” she said, remembering her educational texts from the Academy. “Depression is characterized by persistent sadness and loss of interest in life that lasts for weeks or months. Depression has symptoms, feeling hopeless, thought spirals, self-derision, lack of energy, changes in sleep or appetite, thoughts of death or suicide… does that sound familiar? If not I think maybe it’s just dissatisfaction with your day to day, which would be understandable if that’s the case. Oh and um, while we’re talking technical,” she added, “you called me Doc? Before? I’m not a doctor. Just um, j… just a Counselor.”

“I wouldn’t say ‘just.’ But I understand, Counselor. Based on the clinical definition, then no, I’d say I’m probably not depressed – though I’ll leave the official diagnosing to you. None of those descriptors currently fit my mood or state of mind. Despite what I’ve been describing, I do actually enjoy what I’m doing, and I look forward to where it’s going. I guess it’s just… when I stop and think about the bigger picture… that’s when the doubt and second-guessing creeps in.”

Beryl stood up and started to pace a little bit. This seemed like some good progress, though he wasn’t exactly an expert on mental health, so what did he know? Still, the counselor’s words so far had reassured him considerably. It wasn’t exactly a quick fix, like mending a broken bone, or regenerating a cut; more like an initial inoculation in an immunization series. Something to start the process and build upon.

Luna was a little surprised by his rising to pace a bit, but she went with it, her eyes moving from one side to the other, tracking her patient as he stepped to and fro thoughtfully.

“I can’t tell you what I think you should do, but if you were to keep your eye on the prize as you said, I’d advise to do exactly what you suggested. Find the value in what you do now. Maybe try to find some different angles to look at it from, maybe speak to some people, if that’ll help. Maybe one of your team thinks your amazing because you’re great to work for or because their old Lieutenant was a nightmare. Maybe you can research the impact of what you do on the base and on the fleet? Maybe speak to your department head or whoever you report to to gain a bigger picture? Think about what happens if your job isn’t done or is done badly. And even though we get to do what we like and love a lot of the time in Starfleet, all Starfleet is service. We’re in service to the Federation, we protect them, whether we are in sickbay, cargo bay or a counseling office. There’s no weak link in the fleet, there’s no task that’s unworthy or less than… At least… th… that’s what I like to think.”

Luna offered Beryl a reassuring smile.

Beryl stopped pacing, and smiled back. “It’s funny how the big picture might simultaneously be the source of the problem and the solution, isn’t it? Temporary disappointment in my own current situation in relation to what Starfleet does, and yet, trying to keep in mind that my tasking is helping Starfleet to accomplish everything it does. Everyone’s tasking makes it happen.” Beryl nodded again, taking comfort with the thought, and holding onto it. “You know, ha, my first day as a deck officer was wild. The officer who was supposed to train me was arrested five minutes into the shift, and then some cadet showed up for his training, so I had to help him while helping myself direct a crew making and packing relief supplies! Anyway, I mention it because maybe I should look that cadet up. See how he’s doing. Maybe I helped him out after all.”

Luna nodded enthusiastically.

“Maybe,” she replied in a confirmational tone. “I wonder, did they know it was your first shift?”

“Oh yes,” Beryl confirmed enthusiastically. “I told him in the interest of transparency, and then had to talk him out of running away. We got through it together after reaching an understanding, but it was touch and go for a moment. I suppose mentoring cadets is another, perfectly valid method of contributing to Starfleet. Maybe I’ll make it known I’m open to hosting cadets on my shifts, or something like that.”

“Good idea,” Luna observed, “and that m… might make things a little less mundane in the immediate, help you get to that prize line? It… might even help with command experience?”

“Gah, fine.” Beryl spat out, but he wasn’t really mad. “Right on all counts, I imagine. Although if this just leads to an Academy posting, I’ll be sad. Teaching seems like the opposite of the final frontier. Still though, on an individual level, helping these cadets individually will be gratifying, and yeah, from a more selfish point of view, help me reach my own goals. Is that selfish?”

Luna considered this for a moment. She already knew what she thought having been asked a similar question before by other patients, but giving the appearance of further consideration would add weight to what she said, or so she thought. She believed the answer was important to Beryl.

“No. Of course we go where we are posted… but Starfleet doesn’t generally railroad officers into careers they don’t want. C… can you imagine me in security?” She asked with a smile. “Um… I think you’ll be able to get the relevant experience and if your superiors trying to push you in a certain direction be honest about what it is that you want. We… serve in Starfleet but that doesn’t mean Starfleet gets to dictate how we serve. If if people weren’t able to do what they love they would leave… wouldn’t they?”

“Hey I’m sure you’d sure you could be a pro with a phaser rifle in no time,” Beryl smiled. “But I hear you. I guess what I really meant was, is it ok to have that selfish thought when helping others? Since helping others should really be about them?” Beryl tilted his head side to side, mirroring his thoughts bouncing back and forth in his head.

“Actually, counselor, before you answer, let me elaborate just a little. I do want to help cadets for their own sake. I just… I just feel like it’s probably important for me to recognize and maybe explore the fact that I would also be doing it to help myself. My life’s calling isn’t to teach, but I’m happy to do it along the way. I dunno, I’m just trying to make sure that isn’t doing a disservice to the cadets.”

Luna took all of this in. It seemed to her that Beryl was over-thinking this a little. Any remotely selfish thought seemed to be an area of concern for him. Further, there were many people going about their days in Starfleet who didn’t have half the self-awareness and self-analysis skills he did. Purity of selflessness seemed to be the goal for him and a complete lack of hypocrisy or concealment. In some ways it was refreshing, but Luna I had to try to do what was best for him and that seemed to be enabling him to understand an element of selfishness and be okay with it.

“Um, I wonder what you think about Admiral Picard,” she started slowly, making sure her metophor was entirely germaine, “helping the Romulans after the destruction of their world? D… did he do it purely for them or was it to try to assuage his own guilt and anguish as well? Does that assuagement invalidate all the good things he has done since? We can help others while helping ourselves, I think. I’m not sure true selflessness exists in most people. There will always be an element of self-aid, even if it’s just the good feeling we get from having helped someone. I admire… y… your high standards, but… I think most people in Starfleet would want you to be happy with what you’re doing as well. Even if it’s just for optimising efficiency and outcome. Happy people are more productive and dedicated and produce better results, and this has been tested time and time again over the centuries. Therefore you I probably doing your best work when you are working as or towards something really important to you. It’s good that you recognise what’s going on, your levels of inner self-awareness are extremely high. But you can allow yourself to have a dual motive in what you do. You can be a little selfish.”

Beryl stopped his pacing and sat back down. “I probably have too much time to sit and think, ha. Still working on building a group of friends here on the starbase. But with regards to the admiral, that’s a good point. Whatever his personal feelings were, I can’t imagine ever holding it against him. He went to great lengths to help the Romulan people. That’s what counts. I suppose I should give myself a bit of a break.”

Luna nodded in agreement.

“I think so,” she said with a smile. “In… in fact that’s what I’d like you to work on between now and our next session. S… some home work, if you will? Trying not to over-analyse your own motives and accepting doing what it is you want to do within Starfleet as being okay. I want you to try to think, if you have doubts about what you are doing, that you told me b.. being a doctor didn’t make you happy and b… being a starship Captain will and someone who is happy in their role will be more effective and helpful than someone who isn’t happy. Remember that you trusted yourself enough to take the step of changing careers, and if you trust yourself, you should listen to yourself.”

Beryl took a deep breath as he heard and listened to the counselor. His first instinct was to immediately hate the idea of homework. But, he had to admit that the concepts of trusting oneself and not over-analyzing weren’t exactly essays. Beryl finally nodded, accepting the assignment.

“I will work on it. I can do this. We’ve discussed a lot today, I think. Plenty for me to draw on for guidance.” Beryl looked up to meet the counselor’s eyes. “I appreciate your help. I don’t know what I thought would happen, when I scheduled our meeting, so it’s not like I had negative expectations… I just… didn’t know. Anyway, thank you.”

Luna managed to hold his gaze for a moment before shyness overtook her and she looked away.

“Um, well, I hope it’s been helpful,” she said as brightly as she could muster. I don’t know what I thought would happen, when I scheduled our meeting… despite Beryl’s qualifications on this point Luna still identified this phrase as one she would read too much meaning into and over-analyse later on. She just hoped the identification of that would help limit the impact. “I’ll um, leave it with you to book a follow-up if… you d… decide you want one.”

“Will do, counselor. I’ll book another soon. I’ll take a few days to let all this sink in, and try to actualize it. I don’t want to come back with nothing to report!” Beryl rolled his eyes at himself as walked towards the door, cringing at comparing his self-improvement to an away mission. He turned back towards Luna before exiting.

“Thank you again. Have a good day, counselor.” Beryl smiled and left, already feeling confident and better equipped to get a handle on his feelings.