“It is divinity that shapes, not only your ends, but also your acts, your words and thoughts.”
Swami Sivananda

((Captain’s Personal Log: Stardate – 79358.9))

Honestly, Husband, sometimes even I wonder why I still bother to write these things, these thoughts, confounding as they are? It’s not as if I can send them to you, sundered as we all are by the implacability of The Blackout.

How my heart yearns to share these troubling thoughts with you Saagesh. Not to add my troubles to your own, but rather to feel somehow your strength. To share (if just for a moment) that wonderful clarity that shines forth from your reason. To have you dig into that Philosopher’s – bag of yours and conjure up some truism that will both elucidate and sooth my troubled mind with its poignant insight.

But I know that this will not come to pass.

I can only hope that you and the children are safe. It is beyond bearing not knowing, not being able to influence the balance upon which your fate must be judged. Never so more than now, have I ever felt so impotent as a wife, as a mother and even as a Starfleet Officer as I do now – with all of the capability at my disposal – that I cannot ensure that my loved ones are protected from the Vaadwaur and their senseless war.

Although you may never receive this message, I must resolve to see you and the children again. Everything I do now, I do in the fervent hope that we shall prevail and somehow manage to find some way to reconnect with the remaining forces of the Fourth Fleet and come together to end this threat.

There is some small comfort, perhaps, that Vageesh is probably the safest of all of my dearest – his practice on Earth likely makes our son the most secure – but, of course, I worry about Saanvi. I know that, as a Midshipman, she was not slated to take her Midshipman’s Qualifying – cruise for another three months – but part of me worries that the Supremacy must surely consider the Starfleet Academy Mellstoxx III campus as a legitimate target and despite my confidence in her ability, how can a mother not worry that her daughter might be called to enter the fray against such a determined enemy?

But these thoughts are, at best, counterproductive and are best only voiced to the darkness, a truth left unspoken between my most troubling thoughts and the void that so uncaringly divides us.

I had not thought I would see war again, Saagesh. Naively, I had sought to put the painful past of the Dominion War behind me and to dedicate what remained of my career and my soul to the pursuit and furtherment of exploration and peace – but I see now that that was possibly a noble desire clouded by the hubris of self – deception.

I find myself responsible, this time, for an entire starship and not only the souls of some 1,600 crew, but also a multitude of Cardassian colonists, survivors of the Supremacy’s unprovoked attack of the farming – collective of New Providence.

As a Hindu, I find some measure of relief and absolution that the very people that we were forced to meet in conflict during the Dominion War are now the people that we have an opportunity to save from this senseless conflict.

Not that this altruism has been altogether well received. Given the history between the Federation and these people, it is perhaps understandable – forgivable even – that these refugees find it hard to trust us and the veracity of our aid. The events leading to the Dominion War and its aftermath left the Cardassian civilians of this sector dispossessed for the second time since the earlier Federation – Cardassian War.

I am not sure that there is any amount of reasonable empathy can be applied to fully understand how dreadfully impactful it must be for these poor people to deal with being so dispossessed for a third time by war?

As the Commanding Officer of a Starfleet vessel, I am constantly minded that it falls to me to make the impossible command decisions that risk my crew, to place their own lives in jeopardy.

Already we have lost members of the crew. Just today, I have had to undergo the solemn and terrible duty of writing a letter to the parents of a young Ensign that fell during battle to liberate the colonists on New Providence. I have had to tell these people in faraway Norway that their child has fallen in the service of the ideals that we all swore to protect.

Like this impotent – log, I cannot even send that letter, so the Thörsen’s will still live in the vain & hopeless hope that, one day they will see their beloved son again.

I wonder – would they thank me, if they somehow learned the truth?

I think not.

War forces us to do the things we cannot bear to do, in order to prevent those that would force such things upon the undeserving.

The Ahimsa, a cornerstone of our Faith, teaches is to abstain from causing harm to others through physical actions – a conscious decision to act with restraint, understanding, and compassion. As a practicing Hindu – my responsibilities as the Captain of this vessel inevitably lead me into conflict with this tenet, my love.

Perhaps it is easier to avoid negative thoughts such as hatred, envy, or anger towards others – one thing that my experiences during the war with the Dominion taught me, was that it is ultimately counterproductive to harbor such thoughts against an aggressor – if only because it robs one of the perspicacity required to understand and overcome their aggression.

But my biggest challenge (and one that I am unsure of how I will be able to find equanimity with this), concerns maintaining a perspective of Spiritual Non – violence, in the face of my regretful decision to agree to Lieutenant Savak’s ill-advised plan to ‘acquire’ the assistance of the True Way Terrorist Commander, Gul Yomat Ghallir. I refuse to think that a person such as he can be indicative of ‘God’s – Plan’.

Although I was ultimately swayed by Jensen’s council (you know how much trust I place in his opinions, Saagesh, and do not Peter, Ella & Jun all deserve any chance to see their father again? I could not begin to think how I could face Mae and tell her that I could have done something to save her husband, but my morals forbade me?) and assented to this scheme, but is truly the only way to defeat one monster, to instead recruit and trust another?

But how to elevate and realize the tenets of non-violence from an ethical guideline to a sacred duty, where the individual sees the Divine in all forms of life – when dealing with a monster such as Yomat Ghallir? I swear I do not know and remain deeply conflicted by this, more than any of the other difficult choices that lays before me.

Morally and spiritually, I fear most deeply, for what will become of us as we tread down this dark and uncertain path? What cost to our ideals and idealism if we take this route? 

In doing so will we not also, ultimately, become the monster?

I try to stay faithful to the Satya in thought and deed – the practice of being honest in our thoughts, words, and actions, but the rigors of command dictate that I present a unified face to the crew, who look to me for hope and inspiration as their Captain (though I feel precious little for my own part). Thus, I must confine such reflections to this log, just as The Blackout confines us both and ensures that these truths cannot be shared with you, as I would sincerely wish they could – my Husband.

For now, these dark inner thoughts shall remain secured away in the lockbox of this personal log. I am responsible for the lives of all aboard and also for ensuring that we are re-united with each other and can be whole as a family again and am painfully aware that doubts and misgivings will not contribute to the achievement of that duty or desire.

Instead, I am reminded of the teachings of the Swami Vivekananda and their words on Faith and shall instead finish this baleful log entry on a more hopeful note.

“If faith in ourselves had been more extensively taught and practiced, I am sure a very large portion of the evils and miseries that we have would have vanished.”

((End Log))